Emily Bingham’s heartfelt ‘Fertility Shaming’ post went viral on Facebook. She believes folks baby-making plans and biological clocks are nobody else’s business! Do you agree?

I’m delighted  – and hope people take it aboard. Couples run the gamut of crass, embarrassing questions about starting a family, exclusion from baby-news loops and fb updates.

Couples don’t forget to have babies. They may be in the middle of IVF, be grieving a miscarriage  – or three or five. You don’t know what’s happening for them, their health, their relationship … so enough fertility shaming.

Stop getting tongue-tied and losing the plot when it matters:

1. Have manners!

Would you like to be asked if you’re ‘doing sex’ right? Who’s to blame, you or him?

Women struggling to conceive often get asked this. People suggest adoption, wonder aloud if they are meant to be parents or tell them how someone else’s story of infertility.

All I’m saying is – engage your brain before your speak, even if you’re the mammy or the mammy-in-law.

‘Tain’t easy at family gatherings, work parties or girly get-togethers, waiting for those gaffes. Who’s going to ask the question, ‘ When are you two going to start a family?’

Remember – no gory gynae details on a night out, during Sunday lunch or a wedding. Make interesting conversation, keep away from uncomfortable areas to stop the tide of fertility shaming.

Be gentle on the guys,too. Jokes about firing blanks wound more than you’ll know.

Notice it’s the female pronoun I use here? Sigh.

2. Who are you?

You’re a sister, friend or workmate. You haven’t morphed into a fertility doctor so quit trying to fix things. Be prepared to feel powerless. Be yourself, she knows you mean well. Listen, support, text, bitch, laugh. All the stuff you’re good at! Focus on time out, forgetting infertility or the next round of IVF.

Cop on around alcohol and any dietary restrictions she’s following. She needs to know she’s doing her best and following medical advice … being in control of what she can control.

Infertility is not a choice. Every couple face their unique problems. Suggesting treatments, relaxation, holidays or sharing urban myths of magical pregnancy successes doesn’t help. At all. What worked for your friend’s cousin’s sister is great … leave it.

People trying to conceive learn a huge amount about about their own unique fertility problems.  Yup, they often know as much as any doctor. Talking infertility, latest treatment fads or your own ease of conceiving sucks.

3. Ask

Stay with regular chat. They’ll decide what you need know, if anything. Sometimes not talking about it is a relief, a little time off from intrusive thoughts, worrying,  the lonely ‘what if’s’ of watching everyone else cross the line to pregnancy. If you are ‘in’ ask what helps, how and when.

4. Never assume

Just because it’s the fourth IVF, or a frozen transfer, doesn’t mean it’s any easier.

Physically perhaps, but emotionally over time, failed infertility treatments are devastating.

Emily Bingham says if you’re around parents of an only-child toddler, a single 30-something or couple who’ve been together for ever … don’t ask if they’re going to start a family or add another sib. It’s none of your business. You may not realize the storm of pain, grief and anger you stir up. That’s fertility shaming, pure and simple.

You won’t find the perfect words either, there aren’t any. But please, don’t let it stop you being that amazing person, there for the long haul.

5. Put away your crystal ball

You don’t know how this infertility journey will pan out. Sure, lots of couples will conceive the longed-for baby eventually. Some adopt, others face living without a child. It’s really personal. Telling anyone you ‘just know it’ll be fine’ is patronizing.

6. Missing link

Normality goes through the window when you’re struggling to conceive. Be the link to everyday life and normality. Life goes on – even when it doesn’t go according to plan.

7. Your kids

Wonderful and fascinating as your offspring are, don’t to shoe-horn them into conversation. Not mentioning them is almost as bad. Updates are fine but remember to zip it before you upset people. And keep those scan pics to yourself.

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Cyndi Morril commented on that Facebook post: ‘Never understood why this needs to be explained … but glad you’ve done it beautifully.’

Do you agree? What is your experience?

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