Winter is rough on relationships. More people come to me for Breakup Coaching in January than at any other time of year.

 Laura was shocked to discover how devastating the breakup was for her. “It’s awful to fail at something so important. I felt sad, lonely, scared, a heap of emotions.”

 He was generous, protective but controlling, eventually jealous. We had a row, he said some really horrible things. It was my all my fault for upsetting him! He did eventually say he was sorry – if he had upset me!”

Niall and Mia planned to move in together. Discovering she was seeing someone else was a shock. ‘I was angry. She never apologised, nothing – like our relationship meant nothing. I took it badly, there was a lot of heartache.’

What do these have in common?

The Apology

Defensive, grudging or absent apologies exacerbate hurt feelings. Mediation isn’t just for board rooms and an heartfelt generous apology is powerful. Recently a client of mine went to the high court and received an undisclosed amount of compensation: “If anyone involved had said sorry at any stage, and really meant it, I’d have been satisfied.

How do you apologise?

1. Ask to talk, so that you may set things right because you are in the wrong and regret what has happened.

2. Take responsibility for your words and actions in causing the rift.

3. Listen, and hear, the other person’s feelings. This is not about you…

4. Show you’ve learned the lesson and pledge to change your behaviour.

5. Avoid demanding forgiveness or expecting gratitude. That is not in your remit.

Realise that other party needs time to believe your in apology, to overcome hurt and disgust, and to trust your intentions are genuine.

If you’ve done all you can there’s no going back and it’s over.

Real Pain

Science shows emotional pain registers on brain scans just the same way as physical pain does. Your whole body feels out of kilter, stiff and aching.

Is it time to treat breakup pain just like a physical injury? Yes! A broken heart needs to mend.

Breakup Coaching helps you survive and thrive when your life is turned upside-down. Here is my guide to planning recovery from a failed relationship.

10 Ways to Survive a Breakup

1. Go with it. If your leg was broken you’d rest up and heal. Loss of a relationship is a serious emotional injury.

2. Wallowing in misery never helps  recovery. Scratching an old scab causes scars or the wound to reopen.Give yourself a 10-minute moan time per day. Plan to wean yourself off that, too. Hold onto a shred of dignity, you’ll be glad you did.

3. Drowning your sorrows in beer and chocolate only makes you fat and miserable. You want your ex to see how feeble you are?

4. Recovery takes as long as it takes. Don’t let people rush you or tell you to ‘pull yourself together.’ Think broken leg. Received wisdom suggest a month of recovery for each year you were together. Less than a year? A week.

5. Mind yourself. Eat, exercise, sleep. Mammy knows best in these situations. Keep the routine. You may not like it, but you sure need it. Clear out the  phone, laptop and apartment. Relegate shared pictures and momentos.

6. Friends are friends. They’re neither mammy, therapist or nor agony aunt.  Nothing is more boring than bleating about a breakup  … unless you are Adele or Taylor Swift!

7. Flaunting a BTN takes the bare look off you, but a ‘Better Than Nothing’ invites trouble you don’t need. A Bridget Jones thing.

8. Stick with a few friends at first.  Get used to socialising as a single. Gain confidence. Build up  gradually to larger events.

9. Can you imaging dating again? Good. Weird but often wonderful. Clean slate and all that sort of thing.

10. Give a newbie a chance. Let them know you’ve had a breakup. No roadblocks or caveats, a new beginning.

Journeying Beyond Breakup

And finally … is there a pattern to your breakups? Maybe now you can learn from past mistakes, upgrade your communication skills, reboot your confidence and self-esteem. A breakup offers you a chance to audit your relationship abilities, gather resources and discover new sides to yourself.

What did you learn from your breakup? 

Would you use Breakup Coaching?

Share your story here …