Miscarriage in real life is often bleak and devastating. Here's how one couple coped.
Sadly a feature of IVF and natural pregnancies, the complex causes of miscarriage are rarely found.
The pain of pregnancy loss is real.
Áine explains, 'First time around everyone was sympathetic. I was 4 weeks pregnant when it happened. I didn't realize I was pregnant. Pete and I were shell-shocked but everyone said to try again as soon as possible. We went ahead trying but 14 months went by and nothing happened. Our first IVF went like a dream until I miscarried at 7 weeks. Family and friends seemed to think I was just 'a little bit pregnant' or 'it was only IVF.' so I'd get over it in a week or two, like a dose of 'flu. I was at work three days later, hosting a conference for 400. Next time, after a frozen embryo transfer, I anxiously got to 8 weeks. Afterwards, I just felt numb. The doctor did blood tests and found no reason for it. We stopped telling anyone but close relatives. I had close friends to talk to, Pete was more alone than I realized. We changed clinics, hoping it would make a difference, but there were still no answers. My 4th miscarriage was the worst. Emotional reserves were low and we were on eggshells for the entire 18 weeks. The all-to-familiar cramps and bleeding started at work. Can you believe I was embarrassed? An ambulance brought me to the hospital ER for a blood transfusion. I saw real fear in Pete's eyes and I realized my life was in danger.
Then a week later my sister-in-law gave birth to her second set of twins.
I felt a complete failure, at rock bottom, blaming myself, and that's when I knew I needed real help.'
Jennifer shared her story with me at her first session. The recurrent miscarriages had changed her, made her anxious, hopeless and even threatened her relationship.
We planned some goals for therapy. Beginning with trauma release, we focused on getting sleep back on track with hypnotherapy and reducing her fear and anxiety thoughts. We settled on a time-frame to suit her as I like to be flexible in working with clients. You can't rush grieving and healing. There's no right way. Everyone's experience is unique. Jennifer explored her beliefs and attitudes around her loss of hope that she'd conceive naturally or be able to feel the joy of being pregnant again. She discovered how to reframe negative thinking and build hope again. A programme of 'extreme self-care' was challenging initially but Jen persevered. Being deliberately kind to yourself, while making sure to eat well, sleep, rest, exercise, connect with family and friends - and to take time out from grieving, is hard when you don't feel up to it.
She completed five therapy sessions with me, over just eight weeks. "I changed my mindset about a lot of things. I learned to say 'no' to people asking me to do things I had no time for, and not feel bad. Strangely, my confidence soared at work and things improved as I felt less scared in myself. It was me, in the driving seat, again. My sense of humour bubbled up. It got easier to stop comparing myself to other women and coming up short. A huge weight lifted, one I don't know how I carried. I learned to visualize a healthy pregnancy. Things between Pete and myself got a whole lot better. '
Not so many blokes decide on therapy but Pete came along to me for 3 sessions. He'd been totally 'there' for Jennifer, as he put it, but felt his feelings didn't matter. His family is big and tight - always a wedding or christening, birthday, funeral or anniversary to share. 'I needed our babies to have their place in the family,' he explained. Having a memorial tree planting ceremony proved valuable for them . (It's not for everybody.) Intrusive memories of the hospital A&E were a real stumbling block to sex and intimacy for Pete. He felt bad about this. We used EMDR Eye Movement Therapy as a swift trauma release during a session. 'A weight off me. I didn't know I needed help. I don't think men generally do'.
Miscarriage is devastating and no two people feel the same. I'm glad to see it talked about in The Irish Independent.
Here's Yvonne Hogan's beautifully written story of losing her baby boy at 19 weeks:
