Should you tell your child they were born from a donor egg or donor sperm – and what it means?

Nearly three years ago Niamh’s first baby arrived. After 6 years of infertility her pregnancy was normal following a successful IVF and she delivered by elective c-section.

‘When you want a baby so badly and you’ve waited so long, you’d do anything to get pregnant. You don’t get a chance to think ahead to what it really means,’  she explained to me tearfully on her first visit to my office, ‘ I adore my little guy and I’m afraid of the stigma of using a donor egg for him. I can’t tell any of my family and I’m left with this huge secret to carry,’  she told me. ‘It’s different for my husband. He took it in his stride and anyway, his family isn’t as close as we are.’

As a fertility coach I see people who struggle to conceive and Niamh’s story is not unusual. A lot of couples choose to draw a veil of secrecy over their child’s origins. They believe there’s nothing to gain from revealing private information.

‘Now my sister is trying to conceive and takes hope from the fact that I seemed to conceive naturally, after years of trying,’ she continued, ‘I feel I’m lying to her and it’s tearing me apart. We decided as a couple to keep it to ourselves. My closest friends don’t know and I don’t think they should. Women judge each other all the time.’

Egg donation is relatively new for Irish couples struggling with infertility. It’s legal, but medical guidelines prohibit payment to donors. Unless it’s a privately arranged transaction with a sister or friend, donors are not easy to find. More and more Irish IVF clinics have links abroad. They freely offer egg donation from paid donors and continued anonymity is guaranteed for both sides. Intending parents get details of the donor’s medical history and physical characteristics – color of hair, number of siblings, personal likes and dislikes. Counselling is sometimes offered.

Ireland’s draft legislation of the Children and Family Relationships Bill is set to give donor conceived children identifying information on reaching 18 years of age.

Identity is set from an early age. I fear that finding out you’re donor conceived at age 18 is too late. What a way to greet new adulthood. Time for a life-changing conversation. Have a nice gap year and here’s your donor’s profile. We made a choice because we wanted a child and didn’t really consider how you’d feel about it. It seemed so far away back then.

The far-reaching consequences of placing a veil of secrecy around a child’s beginnings are often overlooked in the rush to conceive. It’s hard to see beyond pregnancy and a longed-for baby. I remind women they are having a toddler, a child, a teen, a future parent. Kids love hearing their story so why not tell it right from the start?

Life changing

A friend of mine discovered her document-free, religious adoption aged 30. Her mother lay dying, begging for forgiveness but with no answers to give. Since then I worked with women who never know who they really are, if they have brothers and sisters, a tribe, a history. Health history gains importance in planning pregnancy and parenthood.

To have your identity stolen is devastating and life altering. Nothing is as you believed

I realize adoption is different to donor conception, but the ‘Limbo’ in which both find themselves is very similar.

Times were different back then. Women tell me they’d never want their children to know they were conceived via IVF, donor sperm or egg. One barrister gifted me a professional video testimonial. She movingly of how I helped her in conceiving her son naturally, against all odds. I reminded her who might view it and she understandably withdrew it.

Who do you think you are?

However carefully matched the donors to intending parents, there is more to knowing who you are than the colour of your eyes or hair.

Juliet Tizzard, head of the HFEA, the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority in the UK, made headlines when she wanted to change the culture so that ‘sperm donation would be as common as blood donation.’ As we rush into new legislation we must remember there’s a huge human difference between blood donations and sperm or egg donations. You simply can’t compare the two.

Donor debt

For the sperm donor, often a young, high-flying student, it’s an easy deposit in the ‘wank bank,’ a few shekels, maybe the the dim realization of helping a stranger. Surely no thought of parenting or progeny. It’s definitely not about having a child, or the child having a connection or continuity. Who’d want a stranger rocking up to say ‘Hi Dad/Mom,’ 18 years down the line? IVF clinics express concern that reducing anonymity decreases donations. Intending parents might want to consider their beloved child’s burden – feelings of alienation, truncation or amputation … years of searching, wondering and trying to make connections.

What next?

Is it a human right to know the answer to that question, ‘Who are you?’

Our proposed Children and Family Relationships Bill comes complete with provisos. Cruelly, it gives a veto to donors to deny information, if the donor’s ‘welfare’ is at risk. How obtuse is that? It smacks of all that stank in our abysmal adoption history.

Dr Joanna Rose is a campaigner for the rights of donor-conceived people. She counsels us to amend the new bill “to ensure the State does not facilitate the human rights violations that are egg and sperm donation.”

Donor conceived children grow up, too.

Niamh and her husband are ready for another baby now. A frozen sibling embryo ready for transfer in the new year.